GUILT

So there’s been A LOT going on lately in my life and I don’t believe I have it worse than others, stay tuned for one of my upcoming blogs. But comparing aside, my own personal life has been hard for me lately.
The worst part.

The Guilt!

It’s kinda just part of my culture and life style. But I do it really badly and it only spirals into more guilt. For example. I’ve been stressed about how I am constantly taking care of others lately. I go to work- I’m taking care of others. I go home- I’m taking care of others. I go to church- I’m talking care of others. I leave my house- it’s to do something for someone else. Off-track? - I’m taking care of others. Are you getting my pattern?
Now, I like to take care of others. Really, I do. I just get so darn exhausted and eventually I’m running on empty and wonder the deadly question...
Who takes care of me?
Now this is the deadly question, because when I’m run down is NOT the best time to start questioning others love for me. Because that is what caring for one is right? Showing your love and care for that person.
So I start getting resentful. Resentful of all the people I usually voluntary take care of. The same people that usually bring me joy. They now bring me anger, and with the anger I dish up my heaping side of guilt.
The guilt comes because of all the resentment I harbor towards people who I love and don’t deserve my attitude or those unfortunate people who are in the crazy destructive path I lay for myself, when I get in these modes.
I am angry cuz’ I’m always taking care of Foosa. - Real feeling. Then the guilt comes. I shouldn’t be angry at Foosa, Sister, or her mom. I have set up the pattern for taking responsibility for her. Of course they expect it. Duh! It's my own fault - Guilty feelings ensue because I don’t like to be angry. I get angry at my husband for not doing each and every thought I have. Note that that was thought, not actual requests, those those get me all rilled up too. Then guilt, for he is a good husband and doesn’t deserve to have a C R A Z Y wife after him.
So in the end I am angry at a bunch of people, but then feel guilty for being upset and only then become angry at myself and loath me more.
Ahhhh! It’s exhausting just being me! Let alone the taking care of everyone. Taking care of me is a full time job. I swear!
In the end, I take comfort in knowing I’m crazy, cuz’ REALLY crazy people don’t know they’re crazy right?!
My solution...
Hi ho the merry-o
back on the antidepressants I go.
(I’m also starting to work out too, experts say that it helps to stay physically and mentally fit. Let's hope these "experts" are right.)