Vacation in Nebraska

This week we vacationed in Nebraska. We left on Monday night (like 10 o’clock). CRAZY! Then drove all the way.

We arrived in Eagle, where Hope lives, around noon. We had lunch, slept, then I woke and went to the temple with them. It was nice. I haven’t been to do a session since before Carson was even a thought. We went back to their home, ate dinner and slept. In the morning we ate breakfast, I played with Serhen, got packed up and left for my daddy’s.

We got there and after Velo and my dad brought in everything, We just sat around and talked. That was what we did the entire time we were there except Thanksgiving day. We sat and talked, watched Transformers, ate, ate pie (my father bought 6 pies for 4 people!), played Wii, played apples to apples and pop 5, ate more pie, went to the store, The last day we went to Chili’s to see my Sissy working. She was at the ‘”bar top”. It was fun. I love her and love to watch her in action. She really did seem very good, and very much like our mother when she was waitressing.

For Thanksgiving we went to Cass’s house. That’s my dad’s girlfriend. She seemed great. I liked that she is somewhat religious. She says she prays for us each night to have a baby. She talked about my mom with me. I liked that she was willing to acknowledge that there had been my mother and my dad had loved her very much. You know, like it wasn’t a threat to her that he had loved this other lady. Cuz’ it isn’t a threat. But most women would see it as one I think. She was kind and warm. Most importantly she makes my dad happy. I like to see him happy again. She is a health guru. That’s good cuz’ my dad is working on being healthier because of her. Maybe I’ll have to fold into Velo, his mother’’s, my dad’s and Cass’s pressure of eating healthier. We met her sons. The all seemed nice. Her dad was there, but unfortunately her sister was not. Her best friend Marty was there with his daughter Emily. It was a nice dinner.

I miss my family deeply. I never really remember how much until I go and visit them. Then I bawl like a baby as we drive away. I know Velo always feels cruel taking me away from them. Poor guy. It really was wonderful to go, relax and visit with my family and the important people to them.

Thanksgiving 2007

Here are somethings I am thankful for this year. They are not listed in any particular order.

My family. Velo, Carson, etc. All of them. I am here in Nebraska to celebrate with my dad and sister this year. I love them both so much and miss them when I’m not with them. I also love my family members who I live by and with me. As well as Velo’s family and my wonderful family in Arizona and Minneapolis. I’m glad we keep met and can keep in some contact.

My home and all that’s in it. I have always dreamed of owning my own home . Now that I do I simply love it.

Soda pop. Yummy bubbles. I’’m addicted.

My entire time with Carson. Pregnancy and after, I treasure those memories and those moments I was able to have him with me.

Modern medicine. Yeah for insulin, antibiotics, antidepressants and vaccines.

My car almost being paid off. Two more months! I thought it’d never come.

That voucher’s didn’t pass. This year we had an amazing turn out for local voting. Vouchers were on the ballot and everyone had an opinion. Thankfully the communities showed support for public schools and didn’t vote for the voucher program. Chalk one up for all Utahns, teachers and public schools.

Good friends. Kimmy, BFF, J, Chelsey, Hope, Raimee, Meg, Nicole, Jode, Wendy, Cathy, Patty, Clouses, Neenee, Jared, Heywood’s, Howe’s, Thorley’s. (Hope I didn’t miss anyone.)

This MacBook laptop. Provided by my great job as a 1/2 time Kindergarten teacher.

Adolecent Rights of Passage

It was Sunday. That didn’t mean anything particularly special in my family, but I decided I wanted to go to church, alone again, on this particular one. Good thing too. It opened up the gates for one of the adulthood rights of passage...
My First Boyfriend.
I had said I was “going out” with this boy, Calvin, the year before. in middle school, but that only lasted 24 hours Then I broke up with him. It was the only thing I said to him while we were “together”. So I don’t really count him.
Fast forward to year 14 of my life on this fine Sunday. Kenny and I kept making eyes at each other during the lesson. Poor Sunday school teacher, I mean - Really! Finally after a few weeks of this. We got each others phone numbers and he started visiting my house. We’d hang out downstairs. He ate dinner with us a few times. We would go on bike rides. All this lead to more passage of innocence...
The First Kiss.
I don’t remember much more than standing at my front porch. It was evening and we’d been hanging out or doing what ever it was we did. Probably another bike ride. I remember those being common. Then, he did it. Just kinda’ went in for the kill.
It wasn’t a nice peck or anything, it was the full blown, open mouth, adult kiss. Luckily it wasn’t too wet or sloppy. (We were probably dehydrated from all that biking.) It was kinda’ minty. From gum or whatever.
That’s all.
Soon I got rid of Kenny for Josh. Kenny’s was fine. We went our separate ways, we weren’t really in the same “click”. No hard feelings.
Josh made me smile. That is for about 3 months, then he made me cry. It wasn’t a good break up. But then again, it wasn’t a good relationship either.
I guess we were all just helping each other grow up a little.

GUILT

So there’s been A LOT going on lately in my life and I don’t believe I have it worse than others, stay tuned for one of my upcoming blogs. But comparing aside, my own personal life has been hard for me lately.
The worst part.

The Guilt!

It’s kinda just part of my culture and life style. But I do it really badly and it only spirals into more guilt. For example. I’ve been stressed about how I am constantly taking care of others lately. I go to work- I’m taking care of others. I go home- I’m taking care of others. I go to church- I’m talking care of others. I leave my house- it’s to do something for someone else. Off-track? - I’m taking care of others. Are you getting my pattern?
Now, I like to take care of others. Really, I do. I just get so darn exhausted and eventually I’m running on empty and wonder the deadly question...
Who takes care of me?
Now this is the deadly question, because when I’m run down is NOT the best time to start questioning others love for me. Because that is what caring for one is right? Showing your love and care for that person.
So I start getting resentful. Resentful of all the people I usually voluntary take care of. The same people that usually bring me joy. They now bring me anger, and with the anger I dish up my heaping side of guilt.
The guilt comes because of all the resentment I harbor towards people who I love and don’t deserve my attitude or those unfortunate people who are in the crazy destructive path I lay for myself, when I get in these modes.
I am angry cuz’ I’m always taking care of Foosa. - Real feeling. Then the guilt comes. I shouldn’t be angry at Foosa, Sister, or her mom. I have set up the pattern for taking responsibility for her. Of course they expect it. Duh! It's my own fault - Guilty feelings ensue because I don’t like to be angry. I get angry at my husband for not doing each and every thought I have. Note that that was thought, not actual requests, those those get me all rilled up too. Then guilt, for he is a good husband and doesn’t deserve to have a C R A Z Y wife after him.
So in the end I am angry at a bunch of people, but then feel guilty for being upset and only then become angry at myself and loath me more.
Ahhhh! It’s exhausting just being me! Let alone the taking care of everyone. Taking care of me is a full time job. I swear!
In the end, I take comfort in knowing I’m crazy, cuz’ REALLY crazy people don’t know they’re crazy right?!
My solution...
Hi ho the merry-o
back on the antidepressants I go.
(I’m also starting to work out too, experts say that it helps to stay physically and mentally fit. Let's hope these "experts" are right.)

A Good Day

Just wanted to post about how good today has been. I feel like I have been rather negative as of late. Perhaps that has been due to lack of rest or sickness. Whatever the reason, it hasn't been pleasant for anyone. Yesterday I went to the doctor. I also took the last two days off work. So, I have slept and sat on my bottom watchin' t.v. It has been great.
I am now reaching that point where my body has rested all it needed to and I feel mentally and emotionally recharged. My doc gave me meds to help my bod recoup from it's sickness and my hubby has been making efforts to keep me comfy.

Today I was able to sleep in until I naturally woke up. (A splendid rarity) Then I played some Guild Wars with my hub. It's something we can do that makes him feel like I care and am making an effort to do something with him that he enjoys. Then we went downstairs and ate breakfast, watched some t.v. we were behind on and came back upstairs several hours later to nap.
I got up when Foosa's mom went to work and watched her eat. That's when it hit me... I am happy. Not just surviving the day. Not just content. There wasn't any anxiety about anything. I didn't feel stressed to accomplish yet another task. I was just glad to be sitting in my kitchen taking care of this silly, wonderful, beautiful toddling girl. And grateful that I was able to cuddle with my sweetie. I found myself realizing that it was so nice to just be. I happily came upstairs when Foosa was done with her ranch chicken mess and we woke up Velo. We all sat on the bed and played. It was one of those ordinary, but simply amazing moments.
I am so glad for easy going today. I feel a lot more like the me I like to be; someone grateful for the basic joys of life.