So there’s been A LOT going on lately in my life and I don’t believe I have it worse than others, stay tuned for one of my upcoming blogs. But comparing aside, my own personal life has been hard for me lately.
The worst part.
The Guilt!
It’s kinda just part of my culture and life style. But I do it really badly and it only spirals into more guilt. For example. I’ve been stressed about how I am constantly taking care of others lately. I go to work- I’m taking care of others. I go home- I’m taking care of others. I go to church- I’m talking care of others. I leave my house- it’s to do something for someone else. Off-track? - I’m taking care of others. Are you getting my pattern?
Now, I like to take care of others. Really, I do. I just get so darn exhausted and eventually I’m running on empty and wonder the deadly question...
Who takes care of me?
Now this is the deadly question, because when I’m run down is NOT the best time to start questioning others love for me. Because that is what caring for one is right? Showing your love and care for that person.
So I start getting resentful. Resentful of all the people I usually voluntary take care of. The same people that usually bring me joy. They now bring me anger, and with the anger I dish up my heaping side of guilt.
The guilt comes because of all the resentment I harbor towards people who I love and don’t deserve my attitude or those unfortunate people who are in the crazy destructive path I lay for myself, when I get in these modes.
I am angry cuz’ I’m always taking care of Foosa. - Real feeling. Then the guilt comes. I shouldn’t be angry at Foosa, Sister, or her mom. I have set up the pattern for taking responsibility for her. Of course they expect it. Duh! It's my own fault - Guilty feelings ensue because I don’t like to be angry. I get angry at my husband for not doing each and every thought I have. Note that that was thought, not actual requests, those those get me all rilled up too. Then guilt, for he is a good husband and doesn’t deserve to have a C R A Z Y wife after him.
So in the end I am angry at a bunch of people, but then feel guilty for being upset and only then become angry at myself and loath me more.
Ahhhh! It’s exhausting just being me! Let alone the taking care of everyone. Taking care of me is a full time job. I swear!
In the end, I take comfort in knowing I’m crazy, cuz’ REALLY crazy people don’t know they’re crazy right?!
My solution...
Hi ho the merry-o
back on the antidepressants I go.
(I’m also starting to work out too, experts say that it helps to stay physically and mentally fit. Let's hope these "experts" are right.)
2 comments:
Eeewww, it sounds like a vicious cycle - angry at others, guilt, and then angry at yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you know that I think you're wonderful.
Susan was reading a book called Healthy Selfishness. Basically, giving time to yourself and caring for yourself is as important as the time and care we give to others, finding balance in all the different areas of women's lives, etc. How it may feel selfish to take yourself to the gym, relax or decline a request from someone, but in the end, you'll be/feel healthier and more able to care for others when you are okay.
Sorry so long...worried about you. Take care.
It is true my dear... I wish you would learn to take care of yourself too! You need some you time to relax and center yourself. It is so important BFF. I worry about you also! You need to learn to learn that you don't have to be everything for everyone. Sometimes its ok to just be plain out tired and not able to take care of anyone but you! I miss you and feel better! I want to play next week one day where you have you time! We will do whatever you would like to get your mind off others and on you!!! Ohh.. Do you want a pedicure or manicure. I would love to do that for you!
Luv,
Me
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